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We highlight the story of a Cameroonian woman, Lizzy Kombe, who immigrated to the US.  For years she suffered and endured the brutality of domestic violence in a relationship, fearing shame from her family, community and public opinion.  Lizzy escaped a violent relationship to tell her story. This story is compelling, thought-provoking, and exposes an issue of grave concern within our community in the United States. Gender-based violence impacts women in poor countries, and rich ones alike.

Let us work together to end violence against women now.

Lizzy Kombe, in her own words:
The words domestic violence seemed very abstract to me as a young female, not because it did not exist but simply because it was an acceptable act in my community and country. It is not unusual for a boy to physically assault his girlfriend when he suspects her of cheating on him or for simply engaging in conversation with another male. I remember when I will comment, “she surely pushed him too far” whenever I saw a boy or man assaulting another woman. I vividly remember sharing conversations of how a girl was assaulted with pride because to me, it meant she was loved. I have seen many of my friends endure assault in all its forms, yet, it never struck me that they were in abusive relationships. Most often they deny it and defend their partners and take the blame for the assault.

My perspective of a relationship changed when I moved to the United States because I became aware of violence and learned to love and value myself as a woman. This perspective was short-lived! I got into a relationship with someone I thought I loved and soon after my live became a living hell.

You know, after I understood what abuse really meant, I mustered the courage to share my story and hopefully save a life.
I was in an abusive relationship for several years and I kept quiet. I did so because I lived in denial. I thought it was an act of love. It soon dawned on me this was not love. I began asking questions on how someone could love me, yet physically assault me, scar my body, insult me and terrorize me.

Despite the horror, I stayed not for lack of a good place for shelter, but because it became more important for me to please other people. It was more important to hang in there because I wanted society to take me seriously. I needed that validation that I, too, had a man and could keep one because my community used that to evaluate and respect women. I needed that validation because I wanted to be respected too.  I will endure and cover my scars because I knew people would believe me or say I deserved what I was getting.
I found myself covering up for my abuser, making excuses for my abuser. I found myself using make up to cover my scars and lying to my boss about a sore eye or scars on my body. I lost my soul and sought refuge in a very dark place. I resorted to drinking and accepted my status quo because somehow, directly or indirectly, I was made to believe that I deserved what I was getting. I slowly gave up trying to understand and convinced myself that maybe I deserved the horror because of what I did in my past. I convinced myself that my man’s love for me made him control who I talked to, what I wore, and where I went. Driven by shame, community and family, I stayed in the relationship because I thought I had to prove a point to my family and friends.

After several years of being completely drained and demoralized, I convinced myself it was time to run from danger.  I started reading books, watching documentaries that validated my conviction. I had to find a way to get out of the relationship, if I loved my friends, family, and myself.

The first thing I did was convince myself that I deserved better than what I was getting. I psyched myself into believing that I deserved happiness and I could be happy without subjecting myself to any form of abuse. I also reminded myself that my community will be just fine with me being single.
With all these thoughts running through my head, I woke up one morning and started looking for a job away from what I had always known. I was lucky to find one and I moved without looking back. I did not give room for inner or outer voices; I did not care if I was mocked by others for my inability to maintain a relationship. All that mattered to me was my life, happiness and safety.
I learnt to heal emotionally, but the scars will always remain as a reminder of what I endured. I learned to forgive and move on and that healed me faster than I ever imagined.

Today I am sharing my story because I know most women go through this every day, yet, they either cannot move away or they are too scared to leave (and they have a right to be). Abuse is unacceptable.
I want you to review the checklist below, if you are experiencing any of these things, then you may be a victim of abuse.
•    Does your partner try to keep you from seeing other friends or control all your movements?
•    Are embarrassed to invite friends over?
•    Is your partner possessive? Does your partner constantly accuse you of having an affair?
•    Does your partner verbally abuse you?
•    Does your partner criticize you in front of others?
•    Does your partner put down your opinions all the time?
•    Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?
•    Does your partner ever physically hurt you?
•    Does your partner force you to have sex even when you not in the mood?
•    Does your partner misuse funds and show no remorse for misappropriation?
•    Does your partner prevent you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs?

Many women suffer from domestic violence, some choose to accept and live with it because they think it is the norm, some simply have nowhere to go, and others just don’t know any better.
It is our duty and responsibility to stand up for these women and to educate those who lack awareness of domestic violence. No one deserves abuse; abuse is not love. Domestic violence is unacceptable in all its forms.
Today, I completely understand when I see women covering up for their abusive partners or choose to stay in a violent situation. Abuse is a trap for the victim. What I have never understood is why others encourage victims to stay and endure the pain and suffering?
I am sharing my story for others to understand that there is a way out and abuse is not love. Women and men have lost their lives from abuse and others have scars that will with them for a life time. We will continue to loose loved ones if we do not come together to fight violence.
There is a way out and we can help victims and abusers alike. You can help a victim by speaking up against violence, providing support to victims, educating and empowering them, and using your resources to help. You can also help abusers by encouraging them to seek help.